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Best Definition of Various Governmental Forms (reprinted from David Johnson's Russian letter) Express-Chronicle N24(579), 14 June 1999 Two Cows and Ten Political Regimes This anonymous text is circulating in various forms on the Internet. So, imagine that you are the master of two cows under various types of social constructions... Capitalism You sell one cow and buy a bull. The herd grows up and your farm expands. Finally, you retire and live off the interest from the capital in the bank. Theoretical communism Your neighbors help worry about your cows, but you divide the milk amongst yourselves. Practical communism The state takes away both cows, hires you to look after them and allows you to buy from it a part of the milk you have received. Fascism It turns out that your nationality does not suit the state's leaders. The cows are taken away, after which it is discovered that their nationality does not suit the ruling party. And all of you are sent off to a concentration camp. Pure democracy Your neighbors decide who will get the milk. Parliamentary democracy Your neighbors choose the person who will decide who gets the milk. American democracy The government promises you two cows if you'll vote for it. After a successful election, they want to subject the president to impeachment for speculation on cow futures. The press gives this scandal the name "Cowgate," but supports the president. The cows sue you for breach of contract. Your lawyers' fees are higher than your income from milk. You come to a peaceful settlement with the cows and declare bankruptcy. European democracy At first, the government decides what you will feed the cows with and when you will milk them. Then it starts to pay you a stipend on the condition that you not milk them. Subsequently, the government buys both cows, kills one, milks one and empties the milk into the sewers. And at the end, a written answer as to exactly where you put the two cows, who had been at your disposal, is demanded from you. Democracy, South America-style The state takes the cows away, you are shot, and the state sends the beast off to a Swiss bank, after which it retires and emigrates. Democracy, Russia-style The state covers you with a tax on milking, which is three times higher than the value of milk for sale. Taxes are slapped on the purchase of milk from abroad. At year's end the tax police requisition your cows for non-payment of taxes. They give one cow to the local mafia as a gift and sell the other to you at a doubled price. All your time is free from milking and you search for where you could buy one more cow.
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